Thursday, February 23, 2012

I Was Born a Ramblin' Woman

There is no plan for this post. I have no idea what might pop out on here. Consider yourself warned.

I got to spend the weekend with Mom. When I got back people asked if we had a good visit. Honestly, I don't really know how to answer that. Yes, good in the sense that I was able to be with her. But pretty much sucky in every other way. There is NOTHING worse than watching one you love most suffer. I will never be able to put into words how much I love my mom. How bonded I've been to her from the very beginning. How I've ALWAYS hated to see her sad. And how this is the most excruciating thing I've ever been through. There are no words.

Someday I hope I'll be able to write about this in a coherent way that may help someone else. I hope Mom will give me permission to share all of her story someday. But today is not that day.

I'll be honest. I'm struggling under the strain of this. I'm not doing a good job on any front just now-as a mom, as a wife, as a friend. I promise I'm not having a pity party. It just is what it is, you know?

In the meantime, my kids continue to be quite hilarious! Emily has decided she is not going to give up being a baby. When she is feeling like being treated like a baby she refers to herself as "Beebee". I wish I was kidding. To say Em and I have been battling it out lately is a gigantic understatement. If I so much as look at her wrong, she is on the floor "expressing herself". It's delightful. And by delightful, I mean exhausting. This is new territory for me, this whole wants to stay a baby thing. My oldest did not go through this and could always be enticed with anything "big boy". Even when Emily was born Drew seemed to relish his role as older, and in his own mind at least, wiser. Not my girl. She would love nothing more than for me to hold her all day and feed her chocolate milk from a bottle. I'm pretty much at a loss as to how to handle this. Discouraging it didn't work. At all. So, I'm indulging her a little. Maybe if she believes my feelings for her won't change as she grows up, she won't be so reluctant to do so.

That said, if you see me in public, holding a two year old on my lap, feeding her like a baby from a Minnie Mouse sippy cup, I'd ask you to just look the other way!

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