I Got Nothing

Listen. I apologize for the title. I could not for the life of me think of anything remotely title-ish. So, I went with honesty.

Holy cow.

I have SO much to tell you about. I could start with any number of stories. It has been an eventful month. But, I think I'll start with how I almost burned the house down tonight.

If you have known me for any length of time, you know that only a small spurt of time will pass before I do something really dumb/slightly dangerous. These things almost always happen on a "cycle", if you will. Dudes, you may want to look away briefly. Something about my hormones makes me lose my mind, my ability to control my limbs, and think beyond one second in the future. I'm really a delight to live with.

In fact, the almost burning down of the house was the second near-accident encounter I had this week. Tuesday night as I was driving to the church I almost had a wreck. Because I was rubber-necking. You can judge me all you want, but when I tell you what I was looking at, don't even act like you wouldn't have been rubber-necking, too. There was this girl out for a jog, and not to be weird, but she was a young, attractive, fit girl. And behind her was a dude on some kind of odd, long bicycle situation that I'm pretty sure was partially motorized. He was wearing a suit, a yarmulke, and a long ponytail. He was riding behind this girl completely leering at her with a creepy grin on his face. She had no idea he was behind her. I guess his bike motor is whisper quiet. ANYWAY. I was concerned for her safety/fascinated by the whole affair. I looked up just in time to swerve before ramming into the car in front of me. Complete with a tire squeal. I think it's fair to say I might have saved her life.

I am hosting book club at my house tonight. I am beyond paranoid that my house is stinky all the time. So, I decided to try out an idea I saw on Pinterest. *cue ominous music* Pinterest told me that if I put a small candle in a bowl with coffee beans, the warmth of the candle would bring out the delightful aroma of the coffee, filling my house with a pleasant smell. Which, considering I'm having guests, I was up for. We have had two bags of coffee beans in our freezer for nigh on 7 years. Someone gave them to us as a gift. But we have no coffee grinder. The frugal part of me was thrilled. FREE AROMA!

So, I filled two little ramekins with coffee beans and added a small candle to each. I placed them strategically and waited for coffee smell. The technique worked only so-so in my opinion. I like my aromas strong. Which is fortunate, because when I woke up at 2:30 a.m. the best word to describe the smell? STRONG. My thought process, while asleep mind you, went something like this: hmmmm...weird....burning...BURNING!!!...I left the candles burning! I bolted down the stairs to the kitchen where a ramekin full of coffee beans sat smoldering. Like little teeny miniature coals. I ran to the other ramekin and it had gone out (I thought) without with smoldering.

You should know that Big Dan stays up all hours of the night. I'm really thankful for this, because it is often after I've gone to bed that the consequences of one of my disasters flares up. Or, you know, a kid pukes. As I was running around, I failed to notice Big Dan watching me flail about in my sleepy, panicked stupor. He finally said, calmly, "Your coffee beans were on fire." And I said, "I know, they were smoldering so I ran them under some water." He said, "No. I came in a bit a go and there were FLAMES coming from the bowl."  Thank goodness he was awake. He also said when he started smelling burning he thought he might be having a stroke. Thank goodness he didn't have a stroke.

Lessons learned: 1. Sometimes it's better to just go ahead and splurge on a candle. I'm going to need a good one to rid my house of burnt coffee bean smell before tonight. 2. I will awake and spring into action if there is ever a fire. 3. The adrenaline from aforementioned springing will cause me to be up for the day at 3 a.m. Sleep deprivation is going to do wonders for my mental agility and coordination today.

You might want to steer clear.