Wednesday, December 21, 2011

On a Break...


Deep breath.

3 1/2 months since my last post. By far the longest time I've gone between posts.

There are a whole lot of reasons I haven't been around. Some simple: started graduate school, dealing with new evaluations at preschool, committed to a book club.

Some not so simple. I still haven't decided if and when I'll be sharing about any of that. Suffice it to say, the last year of my life has been about coming completely undone. Completely. Honestly, I just haven't had words.

Slowly, though, the words are coming back. And for the first time in a very long time, I've found myself thinking, "Hmm, I should write about that." It turns out I'm a writer. And I don't mean that as in I'm aspiring to anything, or actually good at anything. I just mean I have learned about myself, that life doesn't work right for me if I am not, in some way, writing. I am in deep process about what that really means.

Are you weighed down by all the heavy yet?? Just wait.

After a year of peeling back layer after layer emotionally, I thought I was finished. Well, as finished as one ever gets this side of heaven. Finished for now, I guess. Taking a break from all the hard. But, I'm not. My sweet momma was just diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer. Yes, it's breath taking, and not in a good way. Yes, It's horrible. Yes, it's incredibly scary. Any words you can think of to describe the situation-yes, it's that. I'm finding it hard to write much about it. There is not much to say, other than I guess I get to learn and grow some more. In that not very comfortable way.

I'm weary. I'm sad. I keep waiting for normal...

I don't think normal is coming back!!

I will say, one of the things I worked really hard on through the past year's trials is giving thanks everyday for something, no matter what. As Ann Voskamp describes it "the hard eucharisteo". I have learned that something pretty special happens in one's heart when they dig down deep in the midst of awful circumstances to say thank you to God. And when we can say thank you for the very thing, the awful thing, that's happening...well, it can be pretty amazing.

So, I walk through each day looking intently for all the things I can thank Him for. And mostly I thank Him for being with me, all the time, no matter what. I didn't expect to find myself back in the hard valley so soon, but man, oh man, am I thankful He is here with me.

I will be writing here, but it will probably be a big downer. Just a disclaimer. Although I think at this point the only person reading is my fab little brother (What up Uncle Sam?? Holla!) And, there have been quite a few laugh out loud moments this holiday season. Six kids, ages 5 and under (3 five year olds, 3 two year olds!!) all drunk with the Christmas spirit brings out hilarity.

I hope your Christmas was amazing. Despite the circumstances, our family had THE BEST time! I love these people of mine. They are an amazing group.

1 comment:

Jinny said...


I'm glad you are back to writing. You (& your family) have been on my mind since I got the message about your mom. I don't have any words that seem appropriate, so I will stick to prayer. I know you have tons of family/friends here in Knoxville, but if you and/or your mom need anything, count me among the many that are willing!