Monday, April 30, 2012


Yesterday (was that just yesterday??) I stopped by my favorite Hallmark Store after church. I did not have the kids with me. It's the only reason I stopped. This particular Hallmark is not your run of the mill card shop. They have all sorts of stuff in there and it is one of my happy places. However, if I take my kids in there, it quickly turns into my very sad place. Suffice it to say, the Hallmark and I are in an exclusive relationship. Since I had some time to kill, I deliberately looked at every single thing in the store. Well, almost. I skipped the Vera Bradley area. I've come to the conclusion that one is very solidly either a Vera girl or not. I'm not. It's not for a lack of trying. But, it's not something you can will yourself into.

 I am queen of the digressions these days...

 As I was leisurely browsing, I kept running into items about Moms. And I'll admit it, I was annoyed. And then I remembered it was Mother's Day season. I puked a little in my mouth and swiftly made my way to another section of the store. I focused for a little while on the "Hillbilly Gift" section, feeling fairly safe. When I started browsing again, I suffered a giant sucker punch. A placard in front of me said, "Home is where your Mom is". You want to know what my initial emotion was? ANGER. I swear I wanted to swipe that subway art placard right off the tidy glass shelf and cause a scene. You know, a screaming hissy-fit that would make the front page of the Belle Meade Gazette. Oh fine, I don't know if there's such a thing as the Belle Meade Gazette, but you can be sure if there was, a lady totally losing her crud in the local Hallmark would be just the thing they'd want on the front page.

 This little scene played out in my mind, and then I got inappropriately tickled for someone shopping alone. And just as quickly, I became introspective. Why did I feel angry? Sometimes I feel like I should carry around a notebook to jot down my issues. It would make counseling much more organized.

I felt angry because when you lose your mom, you feel like you've lost home.

 Even as a grown woman there have been so many times when I have thought, "I just want my mom." And it's the wanting her and the feeling you get when you have your mom. Those feelings you've been nurturing all of your existence-not just your life-your very existence. Safety, unconditional love, comfort, nurture. Listen-I know things get messy. And I know that sometimes a person's relationship with their mom is a place of pain and discouragement. I know that. If that's your story, I am so sorry. I'm hoping there is another relationship in your life that is that "home" feeling. I was enormously blessed to have a mom whose lap I could still sit on at age 35. A mom, who, when I said, "I wish you could rock me" as an adult woman, knew how to make me feel those feelings while skipping the absurdity of two grown women in a rocking chair.

 "Home is where your Mom is".

Once I began unraveling the knot, I began to hear that voice. HIS voice. God. He has been so gracious and merciful and kind to me. Gentle words. Reminders. Home IS where your Mom is. She is home. You are not. It feels like a mess because it is. But it won't be forever. I'm saving a spot for you. (Oh how I hope it's right next to her!) Home. I long for it now like never before. Like I've probably always been meant to long for it.


Mindy said...

It's been 27 years since I lost my birth mother, and essentially been 5 years since I decided to finally let go of the I-will-never-be-good-enough-for "stand-in" version.

It sucks.
It still hurts.
But it gets better.

Keep breathing.
Keep feeling.
Keep hoping.

Lana said...

I was catching up with your blog posts and was busting out laughing until it punched me in the face. I then busted out crying and am currently resisting the urge to go to your house and hug you and cry all over you.

I'm proud of you for taking out that feeling and examining it and feeling it. . .Geesh that is SO hard.

Sending you lots of hugs and love and will do my best to not cry all over you when I see you next!