Thursday, May 20, 2010

Mom College

I have decided to start a new Master's Level program. For moms. Because here's the thing. There is so much about being a mom that you just don't know! And I'm not talking about diapering and feeding and swaddling. There are actual classes for those things. But, seriously, there are some things that no one tells you. Things that nobody teaches you. And apparently, we all just have to figure it out as we go. Wing it, so to speak. So, I'm proposing a few courses just to bring us all up to speed.

1. Application and removal of the temporary tattoo-Learn the proper technique for applying temporary tattoos without ripping the head/arm/feet off the beloved character of the week. Included is the tips and tricks for removing headless tattoos.

2. Overview of children's clothing sizes-Learn the fundamental difference between 6 months and 6-9 months. Will also cover diaper sizing and what the sizes mean. (You know, like when to just give it up and stop cramming your daughter in a diaper that's too small because you're cheap...) As bonus material we will cover how 4T is not the same as 4.

3. A Primer of Superheros-Covers any and all super heroes, both modern day and retro. Learn all super heroes' alternate identities and powers. Is combined with a lab teaching moms how to make adequate gun and laser noises. (A Primer of Princesses offered for moms of girls)

4. 101 ways to answer the question "Why?"

5. Psychology of a 3 year old. Discuss the inevitability of public bathroom visits, the grocery store meltdown out of nowhere, and why loud noises are so scary.

Students who complete this program will be able to handle all of life's little curve balls with a preschooler. This degree only covers you to age 6. After that you will have to pursue the school-age mom's degree-the last prerequisite for the Doctoral Degree for moms of teenagers.

1 comment:

Suburban Turmoil said...

This is hilarious! 1, 2 and 5: YES!!!